THE UNBURNOUT STRATEGY
Group Coaching for 1st/2nd Generation Folx of the Global Majority
Dear friend,
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I need to share something with you.
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I've been a licensed mental health therapist for over 10 years. Been an Airbnb and long term property manager for a while, managed a QTBIPOC centered healing collective and am trying to live out liberation centered unschooling lifestyle with my partner and 3 young kids.
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As of this year, I finally have the capacity and capability to describe what I have been trying to focus my energy on.
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My kids remind me that I don't know a lot of things, but here's one thing I am absolutely sure of. My biggest thing that I have accomplished is not having kids or making lots of money, but it is:
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Unapologetically and holistically feeling deeply at home with myself in my mind, body and spirit.
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I know that I am not the only one who experiences this. My clients also deeply experience this when they are working with me. The main feedback that I get from my clients is, "You teach inner child and intergenerational healing on the surface, but you really teach people how to fully and unconditionally trust and belong to themselves."
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So... I want to welcome you, from the bottom of my heart... with the most clarity that I've ever experienced of my life mission and vision.
Allow me to be a companion in your homecoming journey.
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When you feel safe in your body, you can do whatever the F* you want! When you see your body as a place that you can return home to again and again, you will have freed up capacity to kick up your feet and lounge whenever you want, work, play and laugh to your heart's content. You have the freedom to actually go after your heart's desires.
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Believe it or not, you get to do that in your RELATIONSHIPS. You get to have it in:
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The way you draw boundaries with your immigrant parents/siblings
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The way you respond to your aunties and uncles that criticize you
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The way you share your time, money and labor with your family
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The way you relate to your boss/person in authority
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Feeling safe in your body is not only a luxury, but it is a necessity. If you are looking out for your long term well being of your mind, body and spirit.... if you care having harmony with your loved ones and with yourself... You NEED to feel safe in your body. In order to do that, you must have an unconditionally safe relationship with your body.
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This is the invisible golden thread that undergirds all of spheres of influence. It is that all parts of you deserve to feel a sense of belonging and safety within the space of your body.
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I cannot imagine anything more crucial to teach you.
Here's what cultivating inner safety has allowed me to do over the years:
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see the difference between tolerating unintentional exploitation from my immigrant parents versus tolerating normal parent-child stress
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create a family culture that is not from a place of reactiveness ("I didn't get this, so I want to make sure my kids get this"), but from a place of intuitive discernment that is driven by desire and not fear ("This is a core value that I want to instill in my family")
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not be small and mousey in front of people that are older or in a perceived authority figure
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not look for external validation from my parents or other influential people in my career, but to have the freedom to create my own definition of success and to find validation from my inner guides.
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to not "have it together" all the time--- to feel safe while falling apart and undone
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to go against my parents wishes in my career and marriage, and yet feel deeply anchored while witnessing my family/extended family's severe backlash
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to gather a community of folx that are also trying to "do things differently" in their lives, despite what they've been told by their parents. People who are outliers in their families, who are radically honest and living according to their core values, even if they are a little different than their family's core values.
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live out my "weird" values with deep confidence and integrity, while having a capacity to hold my family's deep disappointment and rejection.
Not everyone has the same family history.
We may not share the same family structure. Same family history. Same trauma history. But we might share similar attachment woundings.
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Also, your gifts and skills are different than mine. The way that you live out your core values will be different than mine.
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I want to provide you with the framework, foundations, skills and practices to find YOUR way home to yourself. I want you to feel so unconditionally safe in your own body, so that you don't feel triggered as often. And so your life doesn't have to revolve arounda voiding your triggers.
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Living an un-chaotic and drama-free life isn't that hard or rare.
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Believe it or not, people live pretty boring and un-chaotic lives everyday. People live pretty uneventful and pain-free lives with the help of some kind of privilege, foundational skills and secure attachment behaviors that they've inherited or cultivated.
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You know what is very RARE? Having a low drama life that:
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is not the result of being hyper-independent and avoidance, but actually a result of having skills to build intimacy and vulnerability with others
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is not filled with self-shaming and hatred and sabotage-y behaviors
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is unapologetically in alignment with your core values
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filled with mutual consent and respect for yourself and others
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deeply reciprocal; you never over-give in fear that the other person will abandon you
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This type of low drama life is very rare. And people think it might be hard to get, but it's not hard when you are doing the inner work that we will embark on together.
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Here's everything we'll be diving into:
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Very practical strategies for looking inward versus outward for validation
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redefining what it means to be a "good child", based on your terms, not your family's terms
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how to handle the fear of rejection, judgment, disappointment and harsh criticism that comes from living out your definition of what it means to be a "good child"
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How to lovingly, but firmly say "no" when your parents/siblings ask you for money/time/labor
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How to discern when to say "yes" or "no" or maybe to a request from your family member
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getting crystal clear about your values
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learning to befriend your deepest (universal) fears- that we might be truly alone, rejected, abandoned; that you might not be good enough, that you might be a disappointment/embarrassment to others.
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learn to create the tolerance needed to allow your family to be released to experience the natural consequences of their unresolved wounds
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learn to see your parents/family as humans and not villains or elevated beings
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see how western therapy doesn't address the historical, cultural and colonial trauma associated with generational healing
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learn how your parents unresolved wounds may affect you, whether or not you met your parents, if they're dead or alive, close or live 2000 miles away
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learn what generational trauma is and how it is caused and can affect you in your current career, romantic/platonic relationships, or relationships with kids
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how to break the cycle of generational trauma
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how to reparent your inner wounded children
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how to release the burdens that your inner children may be carrying
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grieving what you did or did not receive from your caregivers
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connecting with ancestral wisdom and guides
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learn how all of your inner protectors/children have good intentions and protective strategies
Being a cycle breaker in your family requires a set of skills. You can develop a fluency in them.
​When you are fluent in them, here's what happens:
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You don't have a felt need to justify and overexplain all of your decisions to your loved ones. You won't need their approval, validation or advice because you will have a deep assurance that your decisions only need your own approval.
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You will not be afraid of your anger or resentment towards others. You will see your anger and resentment as guides or sign posts, rather than something to be avoidant of.
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You will be less indecisive. You will find yourself easily making decisions that doesn't come from a place of fear, shame or scarcity. You also won't easily bend because of flattery, knowing that your approval and validation is all that is required to make sound decisions.
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You will develop a capacity to hold your immigrant family's needs in direct tension with your own needs, not allowing your family's "urgent" requests to be prioritized over filling your own cup first.
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You will be able to access the courage needed to make difficult decisions that might not be pleasing to your immigrant parents, whether it is regarding moving towards your dream career, deepening your relationship with someone they disapprove of, or even not spending funds on enabling your parents gambling addictions....
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And, at the same time, you will be able to curate a life that supports your core values and allows you to leave a legacy that is aligned with what is meaningful to you.
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This work is for you, whether you are a service provider, life coach, mental health therapist, spiritual worker, entrepreneur, activist, non profit leader or tech worker.
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This work is for you, whether you're struggling through early emerging adulthood or deep into parenting children and have many years of work and life experience.
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It will take all of us to break cycles together.
Multiplicity and Self Leadership
These are the foundations and skills that are at the heart of EMBODY.
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Put in the simplest way, multiplicity means acknowledging that you are made up of multiple "parts." If your body is like a big party, then your parts are all the guests that come to the party. Some guests in might be super loud and outgoing, while others are more shy and reserved. These party guests are like different parts of you. They all exist. They all have something to say. They all have their own memories, perspectives, trauma, truths, beliefs, habits, patterns, and feelings. Some of these guests get along with others, sometimes they don't. That's just how our minds and bodies work--- full of different guests with their own feelings and ideas.
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We recognize that some "guests" or parts of us may be more dominant than others. Growing up in immigrant households, our "guests" have witnessed a range of stressors: chronic bickering/fighting in our parent's marriage, parents being demoted in their career upon entering their new lands, racism/sexism/xenophobia resulting in the infantilizing of our parents and adultism in us, being social workers/translators/resource connectors for our family members because of their poor English skills. As a result, these "guests" have appeared more often than other "guests":
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The "People Pleaser"- this part is driven by the need to please and meet the expectations of their parents/family. It goes to great lengths to avoid criticism, disappointment or backlash, even at the expense of the individuals' own needs and desires.
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The "perfectionist"- this part strives for flawless performance, high achievement, straight A's and high accolades in order to gain approval, recognition, belonging, and helps the invidivual avoid criticism. This part can be relentless in pursuing career/academic excellence and may lead the individual to burnout.
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The "caretaker"- This part takes a caregiving roles, feeling responsible for the emotional and physical wellbeing of their parents/siblings. It has a suppressing quality, where it suppresses the individuals own needs and boundaries to ensure that their family is not upset or disappointed.
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The "fearful/anxious" part- this part is very vigilant, worrying about the consequences of not meeting family's expectations. It is constantly anticipating parents upset moods and tries to motivate the individual by manufacturing the fear of abandonment so individual could fall in line with the family's values.
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The "Inner Rebel"- sometimes the inner rebel emerges in response to the crushing pressure and expectations. This part floods the individual with fantasies of breaking free, running away, and asserts a sense of independence from the family. This part is excited to one day, not rely on their family's support anymore so they can live their own life.
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The "Inner Critic"- The inner critic part can be harsh, self condemning, echoing the family's expectations and makes sure that the individual falls in line, or else the critic reminds the individual that they are falling short and need to conform to the pressure, despite their capacity or desire to do so.
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The "Guilt inducer" This part generates guilt when the individual attempts to set boundaries or prioritize their own needs. This part reminds them, "your parents sacrificed so much to move to this country, the least you can do to repay them is just to loan them money, help them buy something on Amazon, help them fill out this paperwork instead of getting some much needed rest or friend time."
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The "Over Achiever"- The over-achiever part constantly pushes the individual to collect more accolades, excel in every aspect of their lives. This part is addicted to external validation and approval because it feels that it will provide immunity to the shame the individual might feel if it disappoints their parents.
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In EMBODY, we see every guest as inherently valuable, protective and worthy of being treated with dignity and respect, even if they cause inner chaos or distress. The healing work in our coaching involves understanding, acknowledging and working with these different parts to create harmony and balance within the person's internal and external system.
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Let's talk about Self Leadership
Self Leadership is the art of partnering with all the different parts of you, alongside deep connection with creation, community and spirit guides.
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Self leadership is what it sounds like. Self leadership is the practice of being the captain of your own ship. You are the EM-CEE at your own big party. You are the one choosing the itinerary for the party, what guests to invite/highlight, what food to serve, delegating the different roles for staffing. You are in charge of your own adventure. You get to decide what theme to pick (80s themed parties are the BEST, btw). You get to take control of your choices and actions. You get to make sure they align with what's in your best interest and what is in the best interest of the collective.
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Self Leadership allows you to step into your chosen values and intuition versus following narratives that have been handed down from your family members.
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Maybe, for your, that narrative that's been handed down from your family of origin/culture has been "put your family's physical, emotional and financial needs above all else. Work tirelessly until your family's needs have been met. Do not question their requests."
Or "work hard towards financial security"
Or "Never ruffle any feathers or cause discomfort in others. Do what you can to fulfill other people's request."
Or the ultimate unquestioned script in immigrant families, "make more money, say yes to family and acquire more wealth at all costs."
When we have the skill of self leadership, we intentionally decide about how we move through the world, whether that means:
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deciding that you are not going to loan your family money
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leaving the job promotion and money on the table intentionally for the sake of rest
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choosing to ask for help and being vulnerable, instead of trying to look like you "have it all together."
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Your parts will tell you what your assignment towards Self Leadership will be. We will work together on expanding your capacity to hold your family's intolerance of your inner work, while taking very good care of your own mental, spiritual, and emotional needs.
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Self Leadership sees the central figure of your inner world as the SELF.
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Every individual has the capacity for self healing through connection with the Self. Each person has a wise "Self" that is untouched by trauma or pain. It is undamaged. Self has the capacity to guide and lead the individuals inner system of parts. The goal of our therapy is to help individuals connect with their intuitive, higher, core Self and develop the ability to lead their internal system with compassion, wisdom and open curiosity. When our parts are generously witnessed by Self, there is healing and harmony is restored.
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If multiplicity is the way that we can honor our complexities, Self-Leadership is how we build connection and relationships with others. These two things are the key, map and compass that will give you the answers for EVERYTHING in your relationships.
How we'll work together through Embody
What do you get when you enroll?
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Access to all current teaching content I create for this container- get access to all call recordings and zoom meetings.
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Small Group Coaching:
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3x a month, we'll meet as a small group (over zoom) to go over the framework, process, and any questions you might have. Each call will be about 1-1.5 hours during the week (M-Thursday). If you miss any calls, a recording will be available for you to view at a later time.
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1x a month, we will meet for questions and answers. Each call will be about 1 hour.
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In addition, there will be a kick-off call and closing celebration.
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Private 1:1 coaching​:
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You will also receive 2 private coaching calls throughout our 10 weeks to make sure you are getting all the personal attention and feedback you need.
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Intimate Community- You will be surrounded by other 1s/2nd Gen Immigrants of Color just like you, who are also experiencing roadblocks in their relationships--- with similar goals to yours. There will be no shaming or judgment about how you got here and the toxic mistreatment you are experiencing.
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​Inside of this members only Facebook group, you'll be able to help track one another's progress, support each other through challenges and wins, and keep your drive high! Because we are so selective about who is allowed into the program, rest assured, this is a highly curated community so get excited to meet everyone!
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EMBODY offers tiered, class-equitable, pay-what-supports you pricing
We want to help create a conscious, intentional and value-aligned culture of payment. Please read the following criteria and determine which price is appropriate for you:
Please be mindful that if you opt into a lower price when you can truthfully afford a higher price, you are limiting access to those who truly need the gift of financial flexibility. If buying this course means making short-term sacrifices, having to get creative, or asking others for financial support, but does not actually jeopardize your safety, we ask that you use those resources before using the sliding scale, which will limit opportunities for others.
You being honest about your financial situation helps us to grow a healthy and sustainable community.